Posts tagged IRA GLASS

Dear Ira,

I just called my job. Well, that is to say, my old job. I didn’t recognize the voice on the phone, so I asked for another co-worker.

Then I recognized the voice. It was E, only E was sick as a dog. I remember those times - never taking a day off, always coming into work with one foot in the grave.

I originally called to find out if they saw that I had written about them in my book. I wanted to know if they read it. I wanted to know if they liked it.

But calling there just now, I realized how happy I am that I no longer have to work there.

It’s one of those places that you don’t realize that you’re in the mire or how deep you are in, until you are suddenly out.

E, if you are reading this, and I know you are not, you’re almost out. And I got 6 days of sick time stored up that I wish I could give you.

Ira, I hope you treat your employees right.

-Enna

Dear Ira,

Long time no talk, eh? Things have quieted down here. My fiance is working, I am working. Things are just chugging along.

Someone recently said that if they could sum up life, they would describe it as a game of Monopoly. Some days you win free parking, some days you go to jail, but most of the time, you are just working your way around the board.

That being said, I hate the game of Monopoly. Why would anyone want to play that game? I never understood that.”Hey kids! It’s the game of commerce! Except you have to buy property and not anything cool that a normal 8 year old would want to buy! Gee whiz it sounds like fun!”

In other news, I have been asked to speak to a high school class about my career choice. What should I say, Ira? “Hey kids, did you know that getting a book published is good for the prestige, but otherwise, don’t expect to get paid a whole heck of a lot. Definitely not enough for coke and hookers for the next year, let alone the rest of your life.”

Ok, maybe I should leave out the coke. Parents don’t like their childrens’ speakers to talk about coke. I think.

Pondering the street value of narcotics,

Enna

Dear Ira,

Today a woman told me that I was making a very bad decision, and that I should listen to her. She said it all motherly and condescendingly that I got pissed off and said “Judging by your hair, yes, you do know an awful lot about bad decisions. Yeeech!”

Ira, when the heck am I going to learn to not mouth off? Is that something someone can learn?

Nice hair,

Enna Stein

of Kosherporkchops.com

PS This is me being funny, because I don’t want to write about how a year ago my friend died today, leaving a husband and a newborn baby behind.

Dear Ira,

I often think that maybe I should put my money where my mouth is, like maybe I should start a movement. I have been thinking about this movement for awhile now, but this is the first time I have ever vocalized it. It’s like I have been turning it over and over in my mind, much like the creation of a sword, until I get it perfectly sharp and correct.

Maybe none of us should get married unless all of us could get married. Maybe, as a collective, my generation should shun marriage until it becomes outdated and almost uncool to get married. Then, suddenly, we are all in the same boat when it comes to things like property and children and taxes, and when the majority is getting screwed, then we change things.

Do you think I would be strong enough to lead this kind of movement? Even Gloria Steinem got married in the end. And Ira, I look BEAUTIFUL in my wedding dress. Maybe I am just materialistic and comfortable in my white middle class existence. I once heard someone say that everything you ever wanted is just outside your comfort zone. Maybe that applies to me in this situation.

All I know is this: One day, possibly soon, the national guard is going to force Americans to once again wake up and realize that they are being ignorant and pigheaded. And the national guard is going to roll into town and stand guard while gay people get married because suddenly they have the rights to. There will be riots and protests in the street and everyone will worry about the American family and what is about to become of it.

I won’t be one of the people rioting in the street, but if I don’t make a stand, doesn’t that make me just as guilty?

Just thinking out loud,

Enna

Dear Ira,

Someone asked me over formspring if I really didn’t care what people thought of me. And for the most part, I don’t. I think you have to have a thick skin to write letters on the internet to an intellectual icon who will never write you back.

But that kind of is bullshit, isn’t it Ira? I mean, I care what my boss thinks of me, she pays me. I care what my fiance thinks of me, he is going to marry me. The list goes on and on.

But for the general public, I could care less. My fiance has a saying “Never mistake sarcasm for intelligence.” He’s right too. I often do just that.

Sarcastically and unintelligently yours,

Enna

fuckingbookdeal:

Dear Ira,

Certain things happened this year that made me doubt everything I had ever believed in. I never really talked about it, either.

I asked my fiance if maybe we are just swimming upstream by trying this whole marriage thing. See, in 2009, I found out that a lot of people I know (almost all of them, really) are in unhappy marriages and/or are unfaithful.

I found this out at the wake of a good friend of mine, which, and I mean this, is not a good place to find out any life-changing events.

Ira, if you ever feel the need to tell someone something that they might deem life-changing, make sure there isn’t a 21 gun salute going off at the time.

Anyway, on the ride home from the wake, I asked my fiance if maybe we were the weird ones because we are happy and faithful, and not unrealistic in our expectations of each other and life. He was insulted that I phrased it “swimming upstream,” and rightly so.

I started bargaining - maybe we shouldn’t get married, can we just have a child? Why do your family and my family need to mix and mingle. It felt like someone was asking me to contaminate a bag of plasma. It felt like marriage ruined all the people around us, turning them into hurtful bags of useless waste. So let’s skip that ‘marriage’ part, let’s just skip spending all that money on one night, let’s skip the whole drama of it, and let’s just get to the happily-ever-after-family part.

My fiance said no, not so succinctly, and not so coldly, but essentially, he said no.

In the end, I am glad he said no. It caused us to make a plan for what we were going to do. I have to tell you Ira, the plans we made, they’re not only attainable, but they make me feel excited and my heart race.

I haven’t felt that way all year.

When 2010 comes, I am going to watch the sun rise, and I am going to start the year off on a positive note. I am going to go back to updating this with a positive message. I am going to look excitedly to the future. But none of that positive outlook is going to change the fact that, for me, 2009 is the year that people lost their common human decency.

Sincerely,

Enna

Dear Ira,

It’s been a shitty year. But I have high hopes for 2010.

Sincerely,

Enna